An Eye for an Eye

My daughter is 9 years old now, but when she was a toddler she enjoyed very much the act of throwing books at me. I don’t know if she liked reading that much or if she wanted to see if I could duck, but I had many bruises during that time. My husband suggested putting her in martial arts because he wanted her to be able to defend herself. My response was a firm no. She already knew how to throw things and I really didn’t want a child that small to be able to kick my ass. I feel kind of bad about it now because she probably would have been a prodigy, but still…I worry enough about what retirement home she is going to choose for me…I don’t want her to be able to send me there with a high kick.

My daughter and I have an interesting relationship. We are constantly either trying to scare each other or make one another laugh. I adore her in every possible way. She is a perfect child, minus the occasional whining. She is also very accident prone which she got from me. All she has to do is look at something that could hurt her and within 5 minutes she is injured. Case in point: The other day on the way to summer camp she insisted on wearing her bike helmet so that when we got there she could just ride her bike around to where they park them. I started laughing about half way there because she looked so cute yet ridiculous sitting back there all happy with her little helmet. Of course, I didn’t leave things alone, I had to ask her why she still needed the helmet and she just glared at me. It was then I had the bright idea that if I tossed a penny in the air that it would hit the helmet and then I would say “Look, Hon! Pennies from Heaven! Aren’t you glad you have that helmet on?!” I just thought it would be funny. When I tossed the penny she had her head turned and was looking out the window. The second the penny left my hand she turned towards me, and as though she were trying to catch it with her face, it hit her square in the eye. Of course there was much crying but once I determined she was okay I started laughing….and I couldn’t stop. There was just something so funny about the way she turned (in my head it happened in slow motion) and then when you factor in the odds of that happening…well, it was just too much for me. At first she was offended, but then she started laughing too and it was all I could do to get us to camp. When I picked her up from camp that evening I had to ask her, “A penny for your thoughts?” She wasn’t amused. I continued yucking it up all night until I went to bed and in order to punish me for beating him to bed my husband smacked me in the head with a pillow…just as I turned to look at him. It hit me in the eye. The moral of this story is that it’s all fun and games until somebody puts an eye out. My mamma was right. I’m just sayin…

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Don’t Go Changin…

Can I take a moment and talk directly to all the female stars out there please? It doesn’t matter if you are country or rock and roll or an actress on TV…just listen up. STOP dressing like a damned skank! I realize, of course, that sex sells. You all have “handlers” who tell you what to do and when and how to do it. Here’s something I don’t think you realize though. You have the power to say NO! YOU are the talent…they NEED you….be who you are…not who they make you.

What is up with these people who built up HUGE fan bases deciding when they turn 18 that they need to be total hos to sell records? These people are completely alienating the ones who got them where they are. Granted, they don’t have to stay kids forever, but the transition shouldn’t include lyrics that make even me blush and less clothing than most strippers wear. Where is your self-worth? You are totally prostituting yourself for fame and fortune. It isn’t necessary. For example, cute little Selena Gomez…I used to love her. We bought her first record and loved it. Everything she’s released since then has been extremely sexual. Is that necessary? Nope! The songs she did before were love songs and they were just fine for my daughter to hear. Same goes for poor little Miley Cyrus. She had a fan base that is larger than most professional athletes. She threw them all away so she could be a nasty little skank. For what? She has money already. I guess she wasn’t famous enough. Now they are trying to mess up my Ariana. Her first album was fantastic. She was still adorable in interviews and on awards, etc. Next album is coming out and all of a sudden she’s wearing clothes that don’t look like her and trying to dance all provocatively. If you’re out there, Ariana, don’t let them do this to you! Be who you are. Don’t let them change you for fame. You are more valuable as a human being than that.

I would LIKE to be able to watch a music video to a song I like WITH my child. Now though I have to view everything FIRST to make sure it is suitable. The song may be a silly love song, but the video will likely involve a barely dressed woman doing something that has absolutely nothing to do with the song. Or perhaps just once I’d like to be able to watch an awards show without worrying about there being a woman on there wearing next to nothing “dancing” and singing her song. You don’t see men doing that. They are always fully clothed. They aren’t expected to be shirtless on an awards show so everybody can see their washboard abs are they? I don’t want my daughter growing up thinking she has to be a toothpick like these women (with personal trainers I might add) or thinking that she has to dress like that to get attention. Yes…she will get attention alright…from the wrong kind of guy and the business end of my paddle…I don’t care HOW old she is. What happened to women being proud to be called a lady? You can be fun and sassy and still be a lady. I mean, everyone loved Audrey Hepburn…beautiful, fun, and CLASSY. Instead of bringing sexy back like Justin, perhaps the women of music could bring classy back. Wouldn’t that be refreshing? I’m just sayin…

Road Trip!

This weekend found me on a road trip with my mom, my sister and my daughter. We drove two and a half hours to watch my niece’s graduation from college as the President of her class. She got to give a speech and everything! We are very proud of her. At any rate, this involved two and a half hours in the back of an extended cab truck sitting next to my daughter. There are several things I learned on this trip. The first thing is that I cannot handle being in the back of an extended cab truck for two and a half hours. I kinda freaked out. Apparently my threshold is right around an hour before I start twitching and finding it difficult to breathe. I tried to get through this by reading, but with a 9 year old next to you, that’s not really possible. I’ve never seen someone get so upset over not being able to roll down her window. I think she covered just about every way there was to ask me if she could roll it down and when she got the same answer of “no” she followed it with “why not.” I haven’t had to pull out the ole “Because I’m your mother and I said so” act in a while, but by golly it came out this weekend. The second thing I learned is that my sister is way mellower than I realized. Nothing seemed to faze her. “Hey, Sis, I think we just missed our exit!” “No problem…we’ll catch the next one.” “Hey Sis, I think you might be a little close to that car.” “Ah…they can get in through their window. No worries.” The last thing I learned is that my mom is completely deaf in her left ear. Why is this significant you might ask…Because her left ear was to us the entire trip. Once we realized that she was only picking up about half of our conversations it became clear why her answers were so bizarre. So, now you have the picture of what that truck was like. There was my sister up front laid back and driving, my mom next to her not hearing a word any of us said and me in the backseat involuntarily twitching and arguing with a 9 year old. It was heaven. We were our own travelling sitcom.

Once we arrived in town for the event things improved greatly. I bolted from the back like a caged animal and once I had air everything was fine. I stopped snapping at them and wishing other drivers to suffer from various diseases. (It was rough.) We enjoyed a nice lunch with my brother and his family and then made our way to the graduation. Mom’s knees aren’t what they used to be so we had to sit on the isle behind the wheelchair section for the graduation. I stood for a while next to her and ended up sitting on the steps. The funniest part was that there was a list of 670 graduates. We thought they would never finish. Mom and I would cheer each other when names got skipped for whatever reason. We had planned to bolt as soon as my niece got her diploma, but of course her speech wasn’t until after the diplomas were handed out. In the meantime, every time someone would come or go from the section in front of us, mom’s feet would get run over. There wasn’t really room between that section and her to get through and they plowed right on past. You haven’t seen bad driving until you have one elderly pushing another through a crowded arena. They make their own path and laugh while they’re doing it. Hey, at least maybe she can get into those shoes that were a little small now!

Once things wrapped up and she gave her speech we were outta there! The drive back was better somewhat, because I couldn’t see all those trees we were passing and I concentrated on my tablet games. It felt like no time before we were home…at 12:30am. Now this might not seem late to many of you, but to me that was like pulling an all-nighter. I’ve reached the age where at a certain time of night my body goes into reserve mode with or without me. I made it back to my house though and we were tucked snugly in bed by 1:00.

I’m really glad I got to go on this trip. I shared experiences with my family that I won’t soon forget. I got to see my beautiful and talented niece graduate from College. I also learned a little bit about myself…when trapped I bite. I’m just sayin…

Random Observations

  1. Why is it that swimsuit makers are under the impression that we don’t need an actual bra in our swimsuits? I mean…wearing a swimsuit is degrading enough for most women, but the ONE thing we can show off while wearing one is our bosoms. How about a little under-wire and forget that dang “soft cup” you all are so proud of?   And don’t just design those for super models either…REAL WOMEN need them.
  2. How do people get so out of control that they end up on Hoarders? I understand mild hoarding…keeping useful things or buying two of everything, but to leave dirty diapers piled up for months and actually have dead animals in your house that you knew nothing of…HOW does this happen? I know…mental disability could be a cause, but some of these people I’ve seen on the show just strike me as lazy. Nobody expects you to have a spotless house, just maybe one with less feces lying around…just a thought.
  3. Why do people begging for money on the street feel it is okay to be smoking a cigarette while they panhandle? If you can afford a pack of cigarettes, then I assure you that you have more money than I do. I mean…I realize it is an addiction, but as much as I love chocolate and want it every day if I had no money and was reduced to begging on the street corner then I don’t think I’d be doing it with a bar of Dove chocolate in my mouth. I’m just sayin…

The Perfect Wife

I just read an article talking about things you should never do in marriage and it was all written by a woman for other women. This is the sort of thing that makes me literally start lurching as if I’m going to vomit. Sure she was just sharing her perspective on a Biblical marriage, but if a woman follows all of these rules she would never talk. I mean really!

The first one is not to nag. Granted, I try not to nag, as I don’t enjoy it. I think if I say something with his complete attention that he should remember what I’ve said and then do what I asked provided it is a reasonable request. There are occasions, however, where the things I’ve asked him to do are things he really doesn’t want to do (and in those instances he will find reasons not to follow up) or he will claim he just forgot. It is at those times where not only do I start to nag, but I do so in a very sarcastic way if at all possible. Is this a peaceful way to accomplish things? No…but it sure feels better than being ignored.

Secondly she says we shouldn’t complain. Now I sort of understand this one. My husband complains all the time about different things. It’s his way of getting it off of his chest. Do I like it? Not at all, but I understand why he does it. He has no one else really to go to with it. When we sign up for marriage we sign on as a lot of things. One of those things is therapist (unless you have an actual therapist in which case this activity would have to stop.) To expect someone not to complain is like telling them to bottle all that up inside. We all know how those things end. Somebody’s getting dead!

She also says we shouldn’t get angry. Please see the paragraph on nagging. Anger in marriage is inevitable. Two people cannot live under the same roof for an extended period of time without one getting angry at the other. You can control what you do with your anger, but not the anger itself. To expect someone to not be angry is irrational. Heavens! Even Jesus got angry at the moneychangers in the temple. It happens, folks.

She also mentions selfishness and keeping score. I agree with those two. If you put yourself first all the time then the other person feels totally neglected. Also, keeping score doesn’t really help you in a fight. It just leaves the other person feeling either angry that you remembered all that or dejected that you really think that poorly of them. It doesn’t really help anything.

I guess what I’m saying is that we should be teaching our kids to be realistic about marriage. You WILL have fights. You WILL have to nag sometimes. The important thing is to love each other unconditionally and take that person with flaws and all and realize that you are no better. Well, maybe a little better but not THAT much better. At any rate, I think that if we put more realistic expectations on marriage we wouldn’t have so many that end in divorce. No one is perfect. There is no prince on a white horse who is coming to save us, ladies. Cinderella got him. She probably got nagged a lot too. I mean, what kind of housekeeper could she have been? Did you SEE all the mice in that place? I’m just sayin…

Make it Stop

I know there are lots of memes out there on the inter webs about “If you rode in the car with no seat belt as a kid and survived…” Back when I was a kid we really did do that. We also rode in the back window on occasion or up front when <GASP> we were less than 13 years old. But in order to keep us “safer” now most cars have airbags which will kill a small child if it gets hit in the face with it…thus the reason that they have to sit in the back seat. I think that is kind of cruel, personally, because they are the shortest people in the car and for sure can’t see out from back there. Let’s work out a way to place the airbags differently or something. That’s not the point of my ire today though…sorry to get off subject.

I just heard on the radio this morning that they are looking to ban cell phone usage in cars completely because even hands free talking is distracting the driver. I have to say something about this. Yes, I’m sure it DOES distract the driver to a certain extent. Guess what though…so does talking to the person who is actually IN the car with you. What next…no passengers? Other things that distract us…eating while driving, drinking coffee while driving, changing the dial on the radio while driving. At what point does society draw the line and say enough is enough? If they tell me I can’t have coffee in my car I am going to quit my job and just pitch a tent on the lawn of Capitol Hill. NOBODY takes my caffeine away from me….NOBODY!! I figure by the time my daughter is old enough to drive we will all just have big padded bubbles that we drive around in with no radio to listen to or extra seats for passengers. Kids get to ride in a bubble affixed to the top of your bubble. Theirs will bounce.  If this fitness initiative keeps going like it is they will also require us to peddle it with our feet or run in it like a giant hamster.

Another area which pertains to our freedom being removed is with regards to the idiot who owns the Clippers. You know, I don’t agree with a thing he said. He’s a bad man with an ugly heart. There’s no question about that. However, what he said is protected by our Constitution. He had every right to say it freely and without fear of recompense. Granted, none of us had to like it or agree with it or even support him anymore, but to force him to sell a team he OWNS and then fine him, etc. for a personal conversation that was recorded without his knowledge is stepping WAY over the line. At what point do we stop this? We already know that the NSA records things regularly without our knowledge or approval. What happens if they hear us say something that offends them? Will they then be legally allowed to throw us in jail or make us sell all our possessions to pay a fine that some judge makes up? It has to stop.

Basically, today I’m just angry that people are so all up in our business. How do we know they are any safer/smarter than us? If they tell us no more cell phones then none of you will ever hear from me again. That’s the only time I have to actually carry on a conversation. Heaven forbid if someone hear me say something offensive…I may have to sell my car. You might still see me though…I’ll have to jog to work in order to get into shape for those hamster bubbles that are coming down the pike. I’m just sayin…