Why is it that when I leave two car lengths between me and the person in front of me, like I’m supposed to, other people see that as an invitation to see if they can fit between us and without using a blinker? Yes, please come right over. I’ve left a space especially for you!

 Why is it that when I have a yard sale I get maybe 8 customers all day and it ends in a torrential downpour? I always have to re-wash the clothes I had out and give up any electronics. I know other people who actually make a living with yard sales though. How on earth do they do it? With me it is almost as if God says “You’ve played outside long enough, young lady!” then He turns the galactic hose on me and I have to go inside.

 Why is it that the snippets that they play on the radio advertising the station are so darn great and then the song they play immediately after that commercial always sucks? You get all revved up to hear some Nirvana and the next thing you know they are playing Hall & Oats. (Nothing against H&O, but they are no Nirvana.)

 Why is it that the drugs they advertise on TV come with so many potentially fatal side effects? If my drug had those kinds of side effects the last thing I would do is advertise on TV. The last one they say is almost always “may be fatal for some patients. Do not take if you are pregnant, over the age of 2 or have ever had ice cream. These things could cause death.” Well, whoopty do! I think I’ll just run right down to the doctor’s office and beg for some of that!

 Why do those same drugs have such ridiculous names? My daughter and I will actually just look at each other randomly and say “Latuda” or “Xeljanz” and then laugh for no apparent reason other than the name is funny. I guess they got us to remember them though. I couldn’t tell you what either one does besides cause anal leakage and tumors of some kind. (Don’t sue me, pharmaceutical companies…I’m only playing.)

 Why do they always enclose children’s toys in those blister packages? Aside from making kids crazy because they can’t rip into them right away it is almost as if they want to see if they can cut you without even being present. That might make for a good crime novel…a killer who puts poison on the blister packaging and waits for the wife to struggle with it for the kid. The police would be baffled…how did the poison get into her system? Nobody would check that. Unless, of course, they saw the cuts all over her hands and arms…that could lead to suspicion. Somebody write this thing…I want to see how it plays out.

 Why does my cat clean her butt so frequently and in plain sight of everyone at dinner? I mean, really…what on earth could be going on down there? As the old man in Long Kiss Goodnight said, “I implore you that whatever is in that dog’s a*% is either gone for good or there to stay.” I’m just sayin…


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