Falling Down

Well, Fall is finally upon us and I’m not sure how to feel about it. You see, I’m a Spring and Summer girl. I don’t really care how hot it gets, but being cold is like torture to me. Spring brings with it renewed hope and beauty. Flowers bloom and grass gets green and we no longer are confined to our houses every weekend because we don’t want to freeze to death. The sun shines and even when it rains it is still beautiful because of the contrasting colors of the green trees and the varying hues of gray in the sky. I like my world to be vibrant and alive.

Fall always has an effect on me. I tend to be grumpy and depressed and generally ill willed. Part of it is knowing what is just around the corner….WINTER. I’m a bit claustrophobic and knowing that I will be relegated to my house for the next several months is something I don’t like thinking about. True, I do get to wear pajamas a lot more often and catch up on all the good shows on TV, but it isn’t the same. Going to the store becomes a hassle because you have to layer so much and struggle with a coat getting in and out of the car. Going outside at all in the Fall is difficult for me due to the fact that for some reason everyone decides to become little pyromaniacs this time of year. I’m highly allergic to smoke…especially tobacco smoke. This poses a problem for me given that I live in Robertson County…the Dark Fired tobacco capital of the US. Every barn anywhere near us looks to be on fire, but they are just firing the tobacco. One whiff of this and I can’t breathe and develop a migraine. Our neighbors love this time of year. They are all out in their back yards burning something or other every chance they are given. I really need to live in a bubble.

Let’s not also forget the spider population, which, for some reason, boons this time of year. I can scarcely walk to the chicken coop without having to defend myself with karate chops and high kicks. I HAD a spider gettin’ stick that I leave in my Florida room, but the spiders in the Florida room thought it would be funny to actually weave a web AROUND it. Bastards. (You see? I’m grumpy.)

I guess Fall has always seemed like a prolonged death knoll to me. The trees lose their leaves and look so bare and empty. The grass turns brown and the sky gray. I know it is just going to sleep and will wake back up soon, but I don’t like being away from it. Huh…I just realized there is a correlation between that and death. We all die, but the Bible says we are really just “asleep in Christ.” I guess that means when we wake back up that will be our Spring. It isn’t pleasant for those of us still awake, but eventually we will have that beauty again. Nice hidden message, God. Sneaky…but good. :o)

On the positive side, it is hard to beat the sunrises and sunsets in the Fall. Plus it is nice to be able to open the windows for a while…oh wait…I can’t…too much FIRE all around me. (But I’m not bitter.)

So, I guess what I’m saying here is to remember that if I seem down it isn’t really anything to worry about. Like the earth, my good mood has just gone to sleep until Spring. Until then please feel free to ply me with chocolate and tell me jokes every chance you get. I’m going to need it. I’m just sayin…

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Where My Hos At?

I’d like to take a minute to talk to JUST the females today. I know I’ve touched on this subject before, but today I’m going to harp a little. I cannot tell you how tired I am of being bombarded with half naked girls everywhere I go. If I turn on the TV there are commercials where barely dressed women are selling underwear or hamburgers. You can’t watch a football game without half dressed women cheering pointlessly for their team. I go to the mall and these teens and 20-somethings are wearing shorts cut up to their ass cheeks and tops that leave absolutely nothing to the imagination. Now I tend to be a bit critical at times and I’ve been scolded lately for making a comment about someone being a ho. I was told, “You know, that is a really sweet girl if you would take the time to get to know her.” You know what? I’ll bet you are right, but no “sweet” girl dresses like a prostitute. I’m sure lots of Playboy models do charity events and are good hearted, but they are still tramps. What these women have on says “I’m easy!” When did we lose our moral compass? When did being a whore become acceptable? Maybe these girls would never in a million years do anything they shouldn’t and maybe they would slap a guy for commenting on her, but you know what? You are dressing the part. What are men supposed to think? There was a time when you knew the cheap girls from the good ones. It was so much simpler then.

I’ve also heard the argument from some of these women that they have every right to dress however they want and it is female power to do this. Let me tell you, ladies…you are not doing anyone any favors here. NO woman wants to be viewed as an object, but that is exactly what this leads to. When a man looks at that he sees only that part of her…not her mind…not her heart. THOSE are the things that are supposed to count, but in today’s society it is perfectly alright for a man to objectify a woman as long as he doesn’t say that. Women are constantly judged on their appearance, even by other women. Some of these women USE their assets to get what they want. Isn’t that the same as prostitution? But they would smack you where you stand if you call them what they are.

Maybe this means a little more to me because I have a daughter and I’m tired of her seeing this stuff and thinking this is what she is supposed to look like. I guess I’m just tired of being told I’m judgmental just because I call it like I see it. If a horse has stripes it either IS a zebra or desperately wants to be one. You can’t just say, “Oh, look at the pretty horse!” This is all getting very tiresome to me. If you don’t want to be called a ho then please, Ladies, for the love of PETE….cover that shit up. I’m just sayin…

Random Observations

  1. Today when I went to feed my chickens I saw a huge spider web in the coop…with TWO spiders sharing it. I’ve never seen this behavior before. The ONE good thing about spiders is that they are loners. If they are now traveling in packs none of us is safe. The apocalypse is surely near.
  2. The black bird migration this year seems to be in full swing. I think our house is some sort of stop-over for them on their way to Cancun. We are like the Panama City Beach of Tennessee with all the partying that goes on in those trees. I’ve never seen so many birds in one place, but they are there EVERY morning. My daughter thinks this is cool and said it sounds like we are at the beach with all the chirping. What I think is that I should stop watching Alfred Hitchcock movies.
  3. Why, when you shampoo your carpet to remove a stain, does that stain re-appear two days later? I hear it is because the stain is in the padding of the carpet, but if it disappears from the carpet itself, how does it seep back through? This defies logic.
  4. Do you ever get your hands on a book so good you feel actual pain when you have to stop reading it and go do something else? Right now it is in my purse…taunting me.
  5. Why do accidents in traffic happen? If people would just simply pay attention to what they are doing we would be accident free. I saw a woman this morning actually brushing her hair and putting on mascara while traveling along at 55 mph. WHO DOES THIS???
  6. I just got an advertisement from Build-A-Bear to remember Grandparent’s Day. Why, I ask you, would grandparents feel the need to take their grandchild into that place and blow $30-$50 on a day that is supposed to be about THEM, not the kids? They are really grasping at straws on this one. At least the folks pictured seemed happy with their rainbow heart bear. I wonder if they will share it or if a fight will break out between the elderlies. That would be something to see, wouldn’t it? Might make it worth the trip in. I’m just sayin…

PS: Don’t forget your grandparents this Sunday. Give them a call while you are still fortunate enough to have them there. :o)

Great Balls of Fire!

What I’m going to talk about today may offend some of you. Be warned.

You know what gets me good and fired up? I know…there are many things, but today’s topic is very specific. I am sick and tired of seeing idiots with big trucks that have a pair of swinging balls hanging from the trailer hitch. Really, guys? Really? If this is you, listen up: STOP THAT! Stop it right now.

 Having balls on the outside of your truck either means #1: You, in front of the balls, are a dick or #2: Your wife has obviously got yours on a shelf somewhere so you are trying to overcompensate. Either way it doesn’t say very good things about you to others in traffic. Also, let’s talk about the dual exhausts you have going on there. Nothing says macho like a truck farting. One really can compare it to a fart too because not only is it loud, but it stinks. Yeah, I said it….your truck STINKS!

 Another point I’d like to make on the subject of swinging truck balls is this: How would you, Mr. Redneck, like to explain to a little girl what those shiny swingy things are on the truck in front of us? This is a conversation I would have preferred to wait to have until she was at least 12. Thank you for forcing moms and dads everywhere into one of the most awkward conversations imaginable. Thanks for that.

 In closing, if you have a set on your truck please think about what it says about you and the grief you are causing children and their parents everywhere. Take them down. Do it for the children. I’m just sayin…