Moving Violation

I have been VIOLATED. I don’t know any other way to put it. I’m traumatized for life. Just a warning to my younger audience…this is a more mature topic today.

As many of you know, I’m turning the big 4-0 this year. I’m pretty okay with it actually. I know some folks who were depressed for weeks, but I figure it is a miracle I made it this far, so why not celebrate? Yes, my metabolism is shot. Yes, my joints ache more than they used to. Other than that I figure I’m doing okay. As my mom’s roommate would say, “Did you wake up this morning with air in your lungs? Then it’s a good day. Praise Jesus.” (She is just precious.) I’m a bit off topic now…At any rate, one of the things that goes along with the age is apparently certain medical exams.

Today I went for my annual exam with the “lady doctor.” She checked out all my lady parts and declared me fit for duty. Then she asked me a question I sort of knew was coming, but hoped I’d never hear. “Have you had a mammogram yet?” I told her no, that I had never had one. She then got all happy and said that today was my lucky day. Her scheduler was able to fit me in at their diagnostic center in just 15 minutes. Admittedly, I was as nervous as a bunny on acid, but I figured everybody else does this annually…it can’t be that bad.

It CAN, people…it CAN be that bad. First they bring you in and give you this lush terrycloth robe to put on and then they put you in this waiting room with the zen music playing and the essential oils in the air so you think you are at the spa. Do NOT be fooled. In the next room awaits a torture device the likes of which I had never seen. Oh sure, it all looks so innocuous when you first walk in. Then, as if this is perfectly normal, they take first one then the other and smoosh them beyond anything recognizable. Let me just say…I elected NOT to have this done. There is no history of breast cancer anywhere in my family and if anything bad happens in that area, they can lop those bad boys off. There is no WAY they are doing that to me. Nobody puts the babies in a smoosher.

Also, let’s discuss for a moment the lady running this thing. Nobody should be THAT perky at the prospect of torturing multiple women a day. I think it takes a very unstable person to be able to sleep at night after administering that device for 8 hours a day.

I understand that this procedure saves lives, so before you lecture me on my ignorance just stop right there. You cannot tell me that with the billions of dollars devoted to breast cancer research that they haven’t come up with a MUCH better way to do this. You know what I think? I think some rich drug company executive is sitting on the new procedures laughing at all of us that have to be man-handled to find out what is wrong with us. They are still bitter over the way their exam is conducted. Oh…somebody invaded you…poor little thing. You should see the contraption they use on US every year to check the downstairs. You men know NOTHING of violation.

If this is so important, the least they can do is offer patients some sedation or at the least a few shots of tequila.  If anybody’s going to handle me that roughly, they better ply me with alcohol, have a body like The Rock and a bank account to match. I’m just sayin…

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