I just wanted to take a moment to thank all of you for your prayers and support over the past several weeks. I am so thankful to be surrounded by Christian friends who I know are lifting me and my family up in prayer. Those prayers have been felt. Some of you know the complete story of what I have gone through in the last several weeks and realize that I am dealing with much more than one issue. I have hit rock bottom several times to the point of severe emotional bruising. I have been experiencing the worst panic attacks I’ve ever had in my life. I’ve often wondered through all of this what would happen if I just wasn’t anymore. I’ve been hopeless, depressed, lost all sense of self-worth, and have had a very difficult time focusing.
What has happened to me is that I have taken my eyes off of Jesus. I think sometimes He knocks us completely off the ladder so we have no choice but to look up. I’ve prayed and begged for guidance, to feel the arms of Him around me and the answer was always sitting right in front of me. On the ride home one evening, crying my eyes out, I heard a song on the radio by Mandisa called “Overcomer.” It reminded me that even though I’m down right now, that’s when He reminds us…we are overcomers…through Him. Since that night I have been making a point to read my Bible in the morning and pray to Jesus. What I learned this morning though was that I have been praying for the wrong things. You see, I have been praying for what I want to happen because I have a few issues with control (nobody say a word.) Instead, this morning, I realized that what I need to be praying for is that God will take control and move me into the path of His will. I am praying now that God surround us with the influences we need and to take away the things that are in the way. I am praying for God’s divine guidance and understanding. I am praying for forgiveness for my stupidity and stubbornness. I’m praying for restoration.
I realized this morning that people are going to fail us at every turn. People are going to hurt us and do things that will blow our minds, but we can’t have our eyes on people. We have to have our eyes on God. We might not trust people, but we CAN trust God to keep us in His hands. We can trust Him to do what he says and never give us more than we can bear. We can trust Him to lead, guide and direct our paths. It really all made sense to me this morning reading from Psalms 56 when David says, “When I am afraid, I put my trust in You. In God, whose word I praise-in God I trust and am not afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?” Jesus has been right there beside me the whole time, but I couldn’t see Him because I was trying to fix everything myself. I have no more fight left in me. I’m defeated by this world, but through Jesus I will have victory. It might not be the victory I’m hoping for, but it will be His divine victory which is much better than anything I could come up with. This gives me hope again. This restores my soul, which has been so very lost. I realize it is very cliché to say, but I really do have to “let go and let God.”
Please continue to pray for me and my family. We really do still need all we can get. It is the power of prayer that has kept me alive and breathing this last month. Thank you and much love to all of you.