I have several psychological issues. I know what you are saying…”Who? You? No WAY!” Yes, yes I do. The first of these issues is that I have the need to control things. I’m not what you would call a “control freak,” but I really do need to control anything that directly affects me. For example, I wouldn’t try to control what you do, but if what you do is going to cause me pain I will then try to control that situation. I am a list maker, a planner, a logical thinker. I am also very task oriented in that I have to have a reason to do what I’m doing and there needs to be a goal. I have a hard time on a day off when I don’t have a purpose. I also need for things to make sense. When they don’t I am very bothered by it and will dig and dig until things fall into place in my mind. This might have made me a very good investigator, to be honest.
The other major issue I have is with trust. I have a very difficult time trusting anyone, at any time, for any reason, period. I’m a very open and honest person, but I’m not very optimistic when it comes to human nature. I tend to think that almost everyone has some ulterior motive that drives them. If someone just randomly gives me cookies, in the back of my mind I’m wondering what they want or what they did to them. Maybe it isn’t so much a trust issue as it is that I’m suspicious of everyone all the time. I didn’t start out this way, mind you. I used to be way too trusting, but then life happened. I’ve been let down by so many people as an adult that I guess I’m just sort of cynical.
When you combine trust issues with the need to control things you end up with a very bad case of anxiety. It is okay sometimes, but sometimes it isn’t. With all that was going on this last year I finally had to break down and ask my doctor for help. Now, thanks to Effexor, I am even keeled. As my friend Erin would say, I’m “medicated and mighty.” (love ya, girl!)
What I’m struggling with is that there are so many passages of the Bible that tell us not to worry or be anxious. “Be anxious for nothing.” “I know the plans I have for you.” “My eye is on the sparrow.” (that last one was for you, Bro.) At any rate, it is clear that I need to stop all this nonsense and just rely on God. It’s much easier said than done though. Everybody says things like “Let go and let God” and it sounds wonderful. It sounds like the kind of freedom that I desperately need. How do you do that though? I mean, I pray every day. I trust God to take care of me. The problem I have mostly is that I feel like I should be helping God along with the situation…there is that control issue coming through again. I have trouble being patient and allowing Him to work in my life. He comes through every single time. By now I should know this. I should be able to pray and let Him know what is truly bothering me and then trust that He will take care of it in His time. It is all that time UNTIL He takes care of it that shuts me down. I know what you’re thinking…that just makes me human. Maybe, but it sure would be nice to be able to really let things go.
I guess what I’m saying is that there is one thing I promise to work on this year. I promise to do my best to let God work. My goal will simply be to not be a hindrance. I’m going to really try to let go and actually let God and whatever the end result…take it like a grown-up. If, however, you see that I have developed a nervous tick, please understand that the control freak is in some state of mental breakdown and then throw chocolate at me and back away slowly. I’m just sayin…