You know, I don’t typically do these “year in review” things, but this one has been worth it. I’ve made friends, I’ve lost people I thought were friends, I’ve made important realizations about myself and others. I’ve learned just how far I can be pushed before I snap and no longer care. Basically I’ve become a harder, more guarded version of myself. I’d like to think I still see the best in people, but I’m now much more aware of their evil intentions and brace myself for the impact of their eventual bad decisions. Instead of hoping in my heart that good will prevail I now take a much more realistic approach and go on the assumption that it won’t, but I still really hope that it will. Oh, and I say “fuck” a lot. In fact, I might actually be able to give Deb Morgan a run for her money at this point (sorry, Dexter reference). It’s freeing. Of course I don’t say it in front of small children or the elderly, but certainly on a regular basis. After years of being scared to say bad words for fear someone would hear me I just simply don’t care anymore. I’m not taking the Lord’s name in vain. I’m not actually telling anyone to do anything. I just don’t see where using the term “fudge ripple” in its place is doing me any good. If this offends you, well, you are probably part of the reason I started cursing in the first place. I have enough stress in my life without worrying about offending someone with my language. Get over it or drop me. I don’t care which.
I no longer attend church, which saddens me. I am still a Christian. I still read my Bible and pray. I still love the Lord. What I don’t love is all the judgement and two-faced people. I have finally accepted that I will never fit in anywhere and I’m okay with that. I will still attend on occasion, but I will never be “plugged in.” No matter how hard I try, I just don’t belong. There are a lot of us misfits out there. We are okay. We are misfits together and that’s okay too. We have our own support network of sorts. It’s all good.
I have realized that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want your help. If a person wants to be miserable, then you have to let them be miserable. You can’t fix that kind of mindset. You will only drive yourself insane trying. Sometimes people really are toxic. In more ways than one.
I’ve been the scape goat in a dysfunctional family problem. Not my own, mind you, but an entirely different family’s problems. How it ended up being me, I’m still unclear on, but hey…whatever man. If that what it took to bring them to solidarity, then good for them. I’m still puzzled by the motivations of said family and I wish I understood how it is they can sleep at night having done as much emotional damage as they have to so many people, but hey…they have each other and they truly, TRULY deserve each other. I wish them happiness…far, FAR away from me and mine.
I’ve dealt with my own family’s dysfunctional issues. I’ve learned first-hand that no matter how hard you try to help and support a narcissist you will only end up damaging yourself. At what point do you withdraw completely? That is what I struggle with at present. You care about the person and you realize that if you leave them on their own bad things will happen but when you try to be there for them bad things happen specifically to you. So, it comes down to abandoning the elderly whose every decision has led to their current lot in life against the care and advice of every family member involved for many years or the health and well-being of all those family members vs the one who will not listen to anything any of us say. Again, you can’t help someone who doesn’t think anything he does is wrong. He would rather listen to strangers than the people who actually love him and give a damn about his well-being and future. It’s kind of a no-win situation. I’m almost at my breaking point. Ah, who am I kidding, I’m past it.
And last but not least, I’ve learned that you absolutely have to stand up for yourself. If you don’t learn to say no every now and then people lose respect for you. Learn how and when to use that word and it becomes an effective tool.
So, to all of you who still bother to read this, I wish you a safe and happy holiday season and a wonderful new year. Look at 2017 like a dog would and kick some dirt over that shit and move on. 2018 holds great promise. Be who you are, love who you love, and make your life count. We don’t get any do-overs. I’m just sayin…